An enabler parent is one who persistently supports or justifies their adult child’s potentially harmful behaviors, often out of a desire to help or protect them. This can include covering living expenses, constantly providing help during crises, or taking on their responsibilities, which can inadvertently hinder the child’s growth into a responsible and independent adult. Enabler parents often struggle with setting boundaries and may neglect their own needs, leading to a cycle of dependency that can be harmful to both the parent and the child’s long-term development.
What Is an Enabler?
An enabler is a person who indirectly supports or facilitates the potentially harmful behaviors or actions of another individual. This term is often used in the context of relationships where one person may be engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as substance abuse, manipulation tactics, unlawful actions, or self-harm. The enabler, often driven by a desire to help or protect the individual, may justify or cover up these behaviors, thus enabling them to continue.
Enabling behavior is often unintentional and can stem from a variety of factors, including a history of neglect or abuse, growing up with dismissive or overprotective parents, or living with personality disorders. Enablers often take on responsibilities for the other person, provide financial support, avoid conflict, and ignore their own needs in the process.
Enabling can be harmful as it prevents the individual from facing the consequences of their actions, which can impede their ability to recognize and address their issues. It can also lead to feelings of resentment in the enabler, who may feel their efforts are unappreciated or not reciprocated.
Managing enabling behavior often requires recognition of the behavior and its root cause, setting boundaries, and engaging in empowering behaviors. Therapeutic intervention can be beneficial in helping enablers develop coping strategies and learn to empower rather than enable their loved ones.
What Are the Signs of an Enabler Parent?
An enabler parent is one who persistently behaves in ways that justify or indirectly support their child’s potentially harmful behaviors. This can include behaviors such as substance abuse, manipulation tactics, unlawful actions, or self-harm. Enabler parents often take responsibility for their child’s actions and emotions, focusing their time and energy on covering areas where their child may be underperforming.
Signs of an enabler parent include:
- Making Excuses: Enabler parents often make excuses for their child’s destructive or harmful behavior to protect them. This includes justifying their behavior to others or themselves, acknowledging their child’s difficulties or challenges as reasons for their behavior.
- Ignoring Personal Needs: Enabler parents often focus so much on their child that their own needs are neglected. They put their child’s needs before their own, particularly if the child is not actively contributing to the relationship.
- Avoiding Conflict: Rather than confronting their child or setting boundaries, enabler parents often avoid conflict. They may ignore or avoid addressing their child’s problematic behavior, allowing it to continue.
- Taking on Extra Responsibilities: Enabler parents often take on their child’s responsibilities, including running errands, doing chores, or completing work for them. This allows the child to constantly rely on the parent, discouraging them from learning to handle their own tasks.
- Experiencing Resentment: Enabler parents may feel resentment when they feel their efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated. They might feel depleted and blame the child for taking all their energy and time, while finding it difficult to stop enabling them.
- Lending Financial Support: Enabler parents often provide financial support to their child, especially if the funds are being used to support potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling.
Enabler parents often engage in these behaviors unintentionally, stemming from a desire to help their child. However, these actions can inadvertently support and promote unhealthy behaviors and patterns in their child.
What are the Effects of an Enabler Parent on a Child?
An enabler parent creates an environment that may inadvertently hinder their child’s growth into an independent adult. The parent, with the intention of being supportive, may inadvertently encourage unhealthy behaviors or habits. This pattern of enabling can lead to a variety of effects on a child, both in the immediate and long term.
In the immediate, a child with an enabler parent may become overly dependent on their parents for basic needs and responsibilities. This can include tasks such as cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and other adult responsibilities. The child may also develop a sense of entitlement, expecting their needs to always be prioritized and catered to by their parents.
In the long term, this can inhibit the child’s ability to function independently in the world. They may struggle with basic life skills, such as doing laundry, cooking, or managing finances, as these tasks have always been taken care of by their parents. This can lead to a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, as the child may feel ill-equipped to handle the world on their own.
Additionally, an enabling parent can unintentionally foster a codependent relationship. The child may become overly reliant on their parent for emotional support, leading to a lack of emotional independence. This can create difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships outside of the parent-child dynamic.
Enabling can also lead to a lack of resilience in the child. By constantly stepping in to solve problems or shield the child from hardship, the parent can prevent the child from developing the skills to handle adversity on their own. This can lead to an inability to cope with stress or setbacks in adulthood.
In some instances, enabling can also contribute to the development of harmful behaviors, such as substance abuse or self-harm. By constantly providing financial support or making excuses for these behaviors, the parent can inadvertently support and perpetuate these harmful patterns.
Ultimately, while an enabler parent typically acts out of love and a desire to support their child, the effects of this parenting style can be detrimental to the child’s development into a self-sufficient and resilient adult. It is important for parents to recognize the difference between supporting and enabling their child, and to encourage independence and personal growth.
How to Stop Being an Enabler Parent?
Being an “enabler parent” involves behaviors that support or justify a child’s unhealthy or destructive actions, often out of a desire to help or protect them. However, these behaviors can inadvertently impede the child’s growth into a responsible and independent adult. Here are steps to stop being an enabler parent:
- Acknowledge the Problem: The first step is recognizing and accepting that you might be enabling your child’s unhealthy behaviors. This may involve behaviors like constantly making excuses for your child, paying for their expenses past a certain age, or constantly worrying about upsetting them.
- Understand the Difference Between Support and Enabling: It’s important to distinguish between supporting your child and enabling them. While support involves helping your child to develop necessary life skills and become independent, enabling often involves preventing them from facing the consequences of their actions and inhibiting their growth.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries on what you are and aren’t willing to do for your child. This can involve no longer paying for their expenses or not constantly coming to their rescue during crises. It’s important to communicate these boundaries clearly to your child and stick to them.
- Encourage Independence: Encourage your child to take on more responsibilities and make their own decisions. This can involve tasks like doing their own laundry, cooking their own meals, or managing their own finances. Teaching your child these life skills can help them to become more self-sufficient and prepared for adulthood.
- Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to stop enabling behaviors, it can be helpful to seek guidance from a mental health professional. A therapist can help you understand the root cause of your enabling behaviors, develop coping strategies, and learn how to empower rather than enable your child.
- Stay Resilient: Understand that change can be uncomfortable and your child might resist at first. However, it’s important to stay strong and continue to foster their independence. Remember that your role as a parent is to prepare your child for adulthood and the real world, which involves facing challenges and learning from mistakes.
- Empower, Not Enable: Instead of enabling your child’s unhealthy behaviors, try to empower them. This involves giving them the tools they need to overcome challenges and move beyond their current situation. This could include providing them with information about resources or professionals that can help them.
What Is the Difference Between Supportive and Enabler Parenting?
Supportive parenting and enabler parenting are two distinct styles of parenting adult children which can significantly impact their growth, development, and independence.
Supportive parenting involves giving guidance, encouragement, and resources to children to help them become self-sufficient and responsible adults. This can include teaching them life skills, encouraging them to find employment, and helping them navigate challenges autonomously. Supportive parents provide a safety net for their children but encourage them to solve their own problems and make their own decisions. They strive to equip their children with the necessary skills and knowledge to successfully navigate adulthood.
On the other hand, enabler parenting, often associated with ‘helicopter parenting’, involves parents excessively helping their adult children, to the point of fostering dependency and hindering their development. Enabler parents often take over responsibilities that their adult children should be managing themselves, such as paying bills, doing chores, or handling crises. This can lead to adult children lacking the necessary life skills to function independently and can foster a sense of entitlement.
The key difference between supportive and enabler parenting lies in the outcomes for the adult children. Supportive parenting promotes independence, resilience, and self-reliance, while enabler parenting can lead to dependency, lack of life skills, and difficulty coping with the challenges of adult life.